Skating the Infosphere

March 24, 2008

Getting Older

Filed under: House Of Humor @ 1:24 am

Getting Older

These are the views of one person. One and the same person. The only difference is the change of views as the person gets older.

Before I leave school - Old people are smelly and wee the floor at old peoples homes. They are always grumpy and tell you off a lot

Age 21 -35 - Old people are a bloody nuisance. They are so slow and keep getting in the way. These old people stand in the queue at Tesco’s and actually count out the pounds and pennies to the exact amount of the shopping bill. They don’t carry credit cards and they are too tight to use their mobile phones which are normally cast offs from their kids which are clunky and analogue with a battery life of 3 hours.

Age 35 - 45 I don’t mind old people that much. I have started gettting grey hairs and have become worried about my pension in retirement. My kids are nearly grown up now and I wonder what nursing home they will put me in when I get older?

Age 45 - 65 Things are not the same as before. There is no respect for the elderly. Elderly people have to put up with young whipper snappers giving them verbal abuse and there is no common courtesy any longer. The government do not support elderly people properly. Elderly people are not appreciated.

65 - 75 Having retired I am so glad to be out of the rat race. I worry if I will have enough money to live on and whether my children’s visits will continue to get less and less frequent. I wonder what happens when my limbs fail to carry me any longer and which nursing home I will end up in before I die. I am most worried about my frailty and crime. I worry about being vulnerable to criminals and I think the world is going in the wrong direction. No one cares about the elderly - except the elderly.

People’s views do change the older they get and the closer they get to death. However, perhaps the biggest worry for anyone around the 35-55 year age should be the lack of pension provision they are likely to receive in retirement unless of course they have made other plans. Things are going to get much worse for pensioners - not better!

Anyone younger than 35? Hey, you still have a chance to do something about it…

About the Author

From the website of www.birminghamuk.com

December 31, 2007

Obscure News

Filed under: House Of Humor @ 12:55 pm

Well known hobo Travelin’ Jack Steinway died last night in Arizona. He was 76.

Although not traditionally the glitziest profession, Jack was truly one of the leading lights of vagrancy throughout his long career. Perhaps he is best known for his unusual choice of instrument. Whilst many favour the harmonica or occasionally the guitar, Jack was known to travel most of his life with an elegant Grand Piano on his back, which at times led to much playful ribbing on the part of his contemporaries.

Born in Tennessee to his own parents, Steinway and his family were often forced to, in his own words, “bend over backwards to make ends meet.” Whether this referred to literally making their feet touch their heads like a human donut, or to a more metaphorical monetary goal was never made clear, but one thing was certain: Bending over backwards was a poor way to earn a living. Jack and his family would often stand on street corners for hours, flexing and contorting for all they were worth, only to walk away with a few meagre pennies from disinterested passers by.

At the age of fourteen, increasingly disillusioned by the family trade (few people, if any, wanted to trade families with the failed junior contortionist), Jack struck out on his own and took a job as a bar tender in a strip club. Due to his wandering eyes and resultant shaky hands, Jack was soon fired due to spilling more alcohol than he poured, but not before he learned rudimentary piano from the jazz pianist who often accompanied the acts, “Keys” Lockwell.

Unfortunately, bad luck seemed to follow Steinway around, and as a result of a largely semi-literate public, Lockwell himself was soon fired from his post as people were uncomfortable with the sound of a strip club that offered “girls with a pianist.”

Down on their luck, Lockwell and Steinway made a daring midnight raid on the club and came away with a piano and some rather fetching feathered boas, a species of snake now long extinct.

Having sold the boas to the local zoo, Jack and Keys decided to ride the rails to California in the hopes of better luck. As the junior member of the duo, Jack was given the job of carrying the concert grand piano that they had stolen the previous night. He would later recall, with his astute sense of description, that it was “god-damned heavy.”

However, carrying the piano had an unexpected bonus; having spent years walking at an un-naturally reclined angle due to his mis-spent childhood, stooping under three tons of excess weight soon resulted in a miraculous posture correction.

By the time they reached California, Steinway was well on his way to becoming an accomplished pianist, but Lockwell had loftier ambitions and tempers began to fray. After an altercation over a woman, the two parted ways, vowing never to speak again. Lockwell apparently committed suicide that night by dropping a piano on himself, although police were always suspicious of this explanation and many questions were left unanswered.

Without the guiding influence of Lockwell, Jack soon went off the rails. Also, “Keys” Lockwell had possessed far greater financial acumen than Steinway, who was at once foolish with money and also phenomenally unlucky. On August 5th, 1945, he invested the few savings he had mustered in a fledgling Japanese electronics company based in Hiroshima. A shrewd move, but one which backfired spectacularly with the bombing of the city into atomic dust the day afterwards.

Finally deciding that he had been happiest when riding the rails, Steinway set off on a permanent career in hoboism. Despite the urgings of his contemporaries, he point-blank refused to learn a more portable instrument and obstinately carried his piano around the American South West well into his advanced years.

Indeed, the legend of Travelin’ Jack Steinway was always just big enough that he could show up in a town and trade off of it in order to bum a drink, or a smoke, or, on several occasions, a complete spine transplant to replace his ludicrously compacted vertebrae.

Still, age and injury could not crush his spirit. When Hobo Monthly caught up with him last year, his trademarked wit was on show for all to see as he curtly remarked “What the f*ck do you want?!” before beating our reporter soundly about the head and neck with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

With his passing, the great American road loses one of it’s most colourful figures. Long may he be remembered.

Edit: Antique grand piano for sale. Well worn. Offers welcome.

November 19, 2007

What to do when you get caught surfing by the Boss!

Filed under: House Of Humor @ 3:19 pm

It has been a long morning and you need a mental break. You
start thinking of your weekend plans and jump on your messaging
program to make plans with a friend. You have the movie times
and a chat box up on your screen and what happens, your
supervisor walks up behind you! You think to yourself Murphy’s
law is in full effect. What do you do when you get busted
surfing or chatting at work? The situation all depends on how
you react and handle yourself. Here are some helpful
techniques/excuses you may be able to use:

1. I am looking for a job that pays more money. (the defensive
excuse)

2. Oh no! I need IT to come out, I have a blinking light that
wont go away. (the play dumb excuse)

3. Keep your company website minimized and maximize it fast when
the boss comes by and admit you want to learn more about the
company. (the cover-up!)

4. You were investigating stuff for a surprise party you were
planning on throwing for (who ever just walked in) and now the
plans are ruined, way to go! (the guilt factor)

5. I was just comforting a friend who lost a relative to
bovinexctrementitis. (the compassion excuse)

6. If you are lucky enough to hear someone behind you,
ctrl/alt/dlt and enter to lock the comp when the boss walks up,
then immediately turn to him and start discussing whatever
project he has you working on. (the get-a-way)

7. Look happy and say “Wow, I have my answer! That chatroom
(close your chat so they don’t see SWM-30ish saying hi) or
website solved my formatting issue. (the seriously it was work..
I swear not goofing off excuse)

8. Just leave your surfing up, know you get your work done, and
just keep surfing. (the who-cares who sees, no excuse excuse!)

9. Keep DeskDemon.com up and show your boss you surf useful
business/work related sites! (the best excuse!)

Most of us surf and take breaks during the day. If we do our
work well and get it done when we are supposed to, surfing is
much less an issue. Remember don’t abuse surfing have fun and
make use of the vast amount of resources on the Internet!

November 13, 2007

Eloquent, Fast and Fun

The RC Cars of today are something else. Providing high speed remote control madness with a great small price tag attached to them! in fact cheap petrol rc cars are here!!!!

I am not usually one to buy remote control cars, I like building them - but some of these cars are a snap at under £300 - I mean for a completly built ready to rumble fast rc car usually your looking at 1k for a good model - now you can get them this cheap? I know what I want from my wife for christmas!!!

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June 1, 2007

Humor - Tips for Using It in Talks and Speeches

Filed under: House Of Humor @ 7:11 pm

There are many occasions when you can find yourself speaking to an audience. These can range from report to club members to a formal talk or lecture at a professional gathering. Whatever the occasion you want information be of interest and remembered.

Humor can help you achieve both goals.
Now this is not the same as giving humorous talk. That is a most difficult speech to deliver effectively, requiring a special talent and skill. These tips have to do with the
use of humor in your presentations, whatever these may be, to help make your
points clear and remembered.

Everything that said in my previous article, Humor - Tips for Using it in Everyday
Conversation, also applies to using humor in speeches. But public or platform
speaking at is sometimes called does have some additional considerations. Almost
every professional speechwriter agrees on what the important ones are.

First

You are speaking to present an idea or discuss a subject. Use only those jokes or
bits of humor that help you do that. A funny story that has nothing to do with your
subject won’t help you or your audience. Often a person is inclined to begin a
presentation with a joke or humorous story. Your are immediately on shaky ground
when you do. You have, in effect, a stand-alone bit of humor. It may or may not get
the laugh you want. If the audience does not laugh, then you’ve lost that moment of
initial interest audiences always give a speaker.

One way to overcome this risk is making sure your opening story has a point so
strong that even if the laugh does not come, you can continue immediately
focusing on the point of your story.

Second

With humor you can actually make a point three times. You make your statement,
follow it with your joke to highlight or illustrate what you just said, then you restate
your original point. Three times you made your point: Your statement, the
illustrative joke, a restatement. The listener, in recalling the humor at a future time,
also recalls the point associated with it.

One comedy-writing technique to help you fit a story to your subject is called
“Switching.” You can change either the build up or the punch line for it to fit your
subject matter.

Example of changing the build up:

Original:

Neighbor: Do you like your new sister, Tommy?

Tommy: Oh yes, but there are lots of things we needed more.

Switched:

Friend: I hear your mother married again. Do you like your new father?

Tommy: He’s all right, but there’s lots of things we needed more.

Example of changing the punch line:

Original:

Desperate panhandler: Lady, I haven’t eaten in four days.

Rich lady: Young man, you must learn to force yourself.

Switched:

Panhandler: Lady, I haven’t eaten in four days. Can you help me.

Rich Lady: Certainly. I recommend The Ritz, a wonderful restaurant on 14th
Street.

Take time to practice switching jokes. Beside being fun, it will expand your
story file.

Third

Try to personalize and localize your stories. Instead of saying “a man” and “a city”
give the man and the city names that the audience recognizes. If you can use their
locale and people in the audience, so much the better. Work yourself into the joke
as though you saw it happen, and if you can become the fall guy, better still. They’ll
love you for it.

Fourth

When your joke has quotes, deliver them in the style of the jokes above. Do not say,
“He’s all right,” said Tommy, “But there’s lots of things we needed more”. That’s OK
in writing, but in speaking it slows down the story.

With a practice you can make amusing stories funny ones.
(c) Cy Eberhart 2006

Cy Eberhart - EzineArticles Expert Author

As a hospital chaplain Cy Eberhart, (now retired) was a firsthand witness to the
entire spectrum of human emotions: personal successes and failures; the deepest
despairs and the great peaks of joy. Two questions remained foremost in his mind:
How was it that some could find inner strengths that brought courage and hope and
others could not? What was to be learned from these experiences that would have a
positive and creative effect for daily, routine living?

His lectures, writings, workshops, book In the Presence of Humor and his living-history
performances of America’s famed humorist
Will Rogers offers some of the answers.